Jealousy Is An Instinct
If you have been in a serious relationship for a while, then you know that jealousy is one of the hardest emotions to control.
It’s in our nature to be jealous, we can’t fight it, it’s even stupid to fight the emotion of being jealous, because we’ll lose even before starting the inner fight.
What we can do however is to manage the way we express our jealousy.
I am sure you understand that adolescent-like behavior when being jealous, won’t lead you anywhere good.
Over controlling her fanatically, or calling her 10 times a day or asking her every single detail in a jealousy situation, fighting the guys that talk to you woman… yelling and calling her names, being violent, and even endlessly refusing to talk to her etc… these are not healthy ways to express jealousy.
Jealousy is an important instinct that we humans have. It tells us that we might be in a potentially dangerous situation where we could be losing the woman we love.
So, it’s a protective instinct that has been developed thousands of years ago to help humans to avoid losing their love partners.
This being the reason why fighting this emotion or trying to repress it will most of the times lead to stress and useless worries.
3 Reasons Why Jealousy Has To Be Expressed
Jealousy needs to be expressed, but expressed in the right manner. And here are some of the reasons why I believe so:
1) It’s in our nature to be jealous, and it’s also in our nature to express our jealousy. Because keeping it inside, will typically lead to unresolved jealousy feelings, that would later on turn into deeper problems, constant fights, doubts and worries.
However by communicating our jealousy to our partner, we are able to clarify it, and thus let go of those tense feelings.
2) Expressed in a right way – jealousy means that you love your partner. You know what women say “If he’s jealous, it means he loves me”.
3) Not expressing your jealousy, means giving permission to your girlfriend to continue behaving the same way.
The Right Way To Express Your Jealousy
Healthy Jealousy
So, what I am telling you here is that it’s okay to be jealous, it’s okay to show it, but you have to do it in a healthy way.
“Healthy jealousy means – avoiding the extremes (indifference & neediness).”
By avoiding the extremes I mean:
- Avoiding the extreme of being totally indifferent about her accepting attention from, or paying too much attention to, other men. This is the indifference extreme, and it means that you don’t want to accept her behaving in ways that could potentially make you jealous.
- And avoiding the extreme of being overly jealous and becoming needy as a result. It means avoiding to behave like an adolescent, and constantly complaining about her going out too much, calling her 10 times a day, being overly controlling and fighting about any potential jealousy issues.
Expressing Your Jealousy In A Healthy Way
In my experience, expressing your jealousy in a healthy way, means following the next 5 steps…
1) Point out the situation that makes you feel jealous. Let’s say she’s receiving a text message from a guy while you’re talking on Skype.
2) Ask her if there’s anything that you should be jealous about, and let her explain what is that message all about.
3) Ask her: If I’d would be doing the same thing, in this case if I’d get a message from a girl, how would you feel? Normally, she’d admit that a similar situation would make her jealous too.
Note: You ask her this question in order to help her understand that the given situation is not very comfortable, and it would better if it would be avoided for the future.
4) Explain her why this situation makes you feel jealous, and let her know that you want her to be only yours. Something like:
“It makes me think that you’re flirting with other guys and plants doubts in my head. I don’t want to doubt your faithfulness, okay? You are my girl, and for this relationship to work I need to know that I can trust you.”
5) Let her assure you that you have nothing to be jealous about and then move on. Forget about it, and don’t bring it up anymore.
A Few General Tips
- Let her know that you trust her, any time you have the subject comes up, tell her “You are smart enough not to cheat“, and if you do it, you’ve got to take responsibility for the fact that you’ll lose me forever.
- Let her know that you don’t want to be jealous, that jealousy is a feeling that you don’t like and that you want to avoid it as much as possible. Therefore she needs to avoid giving you motives and reasons to be jealous.I use to tell my girl:
“If I am jealous too much, I am worried, if I am worried I become stressed and I suffer. Now, I don’t want to suffer. I am in this relationship because you make happy, because I want to feel good, and not to suffer.
So, please avoid potential situations or telling me stuff that could make me jealous. It’s for your good too, because if I will suffer, I won’t be able to make you happy.
Also me, as a man, I am very possessive, and if you wake up this possessiveness in me, I might behave in very wrong ways, and I don’t want that to happen. “ - One more thing that you should be careful of, is not to be jealous for no reason, because by doing that you might yourself create “a reason”, which did not exist before.You see, when there’s a college of your partner that she spends time with, and you are sure that there’s nothing that can happen between them, but you still complain and bring it up all the time; by doing that you might actually plant the idea in her mind, of becoming romantic with this guy, you might give her the idea that maybe she has never thought of before.
Last Words
So, take care with your jealousy, express it when you feel it, don’t keep it inside, avoid the extremes, talk it out and clarify it, then forget about it.
Also if you think, and you’re sure that there’s no point in being jealous, then there’s no point in expressing it too.
All the best,
Besski Livius
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My girlfriends dog gets really jealous any time me or anyone else tries to hug my girlfriend. Is there an episode of dog whisperer where Cesar deals with this? Any additional help or advice is welcomed also.
I’ve got a difficult time to cope with jealousy.
I recieve jealous after i visit a loving couple. I recieve jealous whenever a girl sings so superbly in chorus or perhaps a guy that’s efficient at playing the violin.
Essentially, I’m jealous of products which i want.
It’s a constant supply of my depressed condition.
I believe it’s a lot more like envy.
So how to approach envy?
And so i have beeb attempting to see some assistance to cope with my jealousy problem, but i am not sure what type of person i ought to see. A therapyst??or psychologyst??